“I like you a lot.” —
-Adam
This, in response to me asking him was he eating a bowl of granola and soymilk with bananas in it, which I could see that he was.
You know in that scene in Elizabeth when she decides to put on all that white makeup at the end and she is so regal and ironclad and Joseph Feinnes is there at court bowing looking all pathetic because Oh Man he blew it? That’s how I feel about Colin on the best days.
No, on the best days I feel nothing at all.
Tedious, painful, and probably not worth the time and effort you put into it. That’s also how you describe a long distance relationship, which is what Going the Distance is about.
… Sometimes true, but the effort is still so worth it in the end
Ok, maybe. But what if, this is just hypothetical, you meet the guy of your dreams and he’s everything you ever wanted,* but he’s going to be gone for 60% of the for the forseeable future. Also, he will be tired and spent for 50% of the time he is around, and apologetic and sweet about it but still, spent. What if, in addition to all of this, you can’t do math good enough to figure out what percentage of the time he will be, like, there?
Yeah, I get that they made a movie called Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind in which this question was posed: If you knew it would be difficult and eventually totally fucked, would you still be with someone you loved? And the answer was yes, that you would still be with this person. True, too, that the above math is not a crystal ball, but an educated guess of what will happen, and that anything else presumably could. Still, this is IRL, where bozo-red hair never fades so gracefully and trains to Montauk often have the bathroom broken on them and smell so potently of poo that no one would ever dream of approaching a handsome stranger all flirty-like. So what if you had the chance to cut and run, knowing what you know, which is that you love him, but it very well might be fucked?
I felt I needed to end with a question so you could visualize me closing my pink clamshell macbook and running out to hail a cab in a pair of fuzzy manolos.
*Everything you wanted, that is, as far as you can tell. Since, in this obviously not-hypothetical scenario, your relationship track record of finding the guy who is everything you wanted is 0 for like, 7.
Tedious, painful, and probably not worth the time and effort you put into it. That’s also how you describe a long distance relationship, which is what Going the Distance is about.
I like to judge stuff before I have a chance to find out what the fuck I am talking about. A lot of times I’m wrong, but I’m going to wait and see if David Denby has anything remotely good to say about this movie before I see it.
Also, I can’t wait till Justin Long grows into the actual old man I see whenever I look at him, mostly so he will stop making movies where he has sex.
Also, I think I’m in love with a road comic. FML guys, FML.*
*Fix My Lamp
I want to make a movie about someone, a lady, who falls in love with a robot and doesn’t find out that its a robot until later in the movie. And it’s so chilling when she finds out, because this robot is really human-acting and what does it mean? Are we all robots? That kind of thing. It’s a really bad movie. Also, the robot is played by Jude Law and as a director, I am going to pretend to have never seen A.I. and just be astonished over and over again with his ability to portray the droid, and has he done this before? Whoa, great. But still, tone it down. We have to think you’re a human for the first part!
I just went through Colin’s gmail. He left it open on my computer as if to say, “search through this to find out why I don’t want to be with you.” But then I looked through it and realized guys don’t sit around and email each other about their feelings. I looked first through the chat transcripts and they are all, save like four, from chats with me. It was sort of creepy, but for no reason. It implies nothing at all about his intentions or feelings about me that he only chats with me. It only implies that I don’t care at all about my dayjob, which is true. Further, I looked and looked through his emails for any reference to me and found nothing, but I did find an email from a year ago about a script he wrote for a web series he’d written along with a cast list for the parts. Both female roles are played by his two very close friends from Tennessee who also live here. I am convinced that he is in love or has slept with one or both of them, and am filled with a jealousy tantamount to that I feel for the wife of Mark Ruffalo. What a lucky bitch!
But then, I don’t really know Mark Ruffalo, so how would I know if I really liked him? I can search for clues in his interviews, and study his on-screen personae, but the only way to truly know someone is to get to know them. Like, you can think you know someone, and then you go through their gmail and find that actually they are someone who never emails, or they delete all their emails and probably not because they are so filled with torrid details about their life but because they are about new video games and concerts of bands that pretty much everyone agrees are good so who cares.
I don’t understand why Colin doesn’t want to be with me. I thought that eventually, my body or my heart or whatever part of you it is that controls the crazy would catch up to my conscious mind, which understands that I am ridiculously lucky to even be able to hang out with Adam, let alone be in the position to maybe fall in love and be with him. I think every day is going to be the last day in which I fantasize way too often about getting fucked in public by Colin, or hear a saccharine pop song that I shouldn’t even like and have it remind me of the wrong dude. Probably though, the breakthrough moment where I stop wanting to lick his face isn’t going to be when I truly understand the abject inferiority of his face. It’s going to be when I stop caring about the depth of his interest in me, or the utter lack thereof. The moment I see him for who he truly is and realize in my heart of hearts and in my pants that he’s not something I want to make secret blog posts about will be the day that I get bored with the cat and mouse game that it seems like he is playing but might not really be (that’s the essence of cat and mouse, btw). One minute he’s saying we’re just friends, then he’s staring deeply into my eyes and asking me what I’m doing later even though it’s already like 1 am. They say there is much fun and fulfillment that can be gleaned from having someone like you and knowing that at any moment you can dip into that well, but then just leaving it there, placid. I’m just not a person who can avoid jumping headfirst into that well if I like the look of it, and I guess it fascinates me that Colin is. But soon, this enigma will get stale, without ever becoming transparent. Like when everyone was loosing their mind about LOST, and I watched the first season and was like, yeah I get it, but I can also just walk away and I don’t feel like I’m missing out because seriously there is a lot of other culture out there to be absorbed and you don’t have to devote a billion hours of your life to it to appreciate it. Colin really loved LOST.
I downloaded the script, and its a noir-ish story about this guy who solves mysteries or something and it jumps around in time a bunch. It might be kinda good, but I am going to go to sleep right now and when I wake up I might not care anymore. We’ll see.
Via Mighty Girl:
….3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.
Jeez! If I could add one thing it would be don’t get super mad that you didn’t know all of these things until 29, since you just read this now.
My last boyfriend moved to LA a couple months ago. We dated for about a year and though my mom usually reserves judgement on guys I date so that she can talk shit about them when they inevitably peace, she really unabashedly adored Kyle. I did not, at least not unabashedly. There was actually quite a lot of bashed happening. Still, when we broke up I was worried that I might encounter the dreaded “how could you let him get away” reaction that fucks people up so bad. When she had no reaction at all, I prodded and whined at her until she cut me off and said “Honey! It’s me. Come on. Chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out.” It was with this exchange in mind that I told my mom last night all about the Colin/ Adam situation. Guys, having your mom tell you that a dude is JNTIY might sound like the worst thing in the world, but it’s really not that bad. In her words: “He said he just wants to be friends, how could he have been more clear? Also, you didn’t really like him, you just wanted him to like you. This feeling is universal.”
Why is it that when you hear your mom say something that makes it truer than when it’s proven true by science, testimony and also experience? Things with Colin have been fine since we “broke up,” albeit sexually tense. But lets be real, I have sexual tension with my sock monkey (he’s got amazing eyes). So me sitting around waiting for him to start regretting his decision to not want me is basically something I am doing to entertain myself and (hopefully) the readers of this post. Adam is like Mr. Darcy, and focusing my energy all on that would mean I’d have to stop wandering in the moors with my sisters feeling forlorn and poetic and worthy of a tumblr. It would mean I couldn’t stay until closing in Barnes and Noble reading the newest issue of New York Weddings and feeling very excellently unwed. It would mean I’d have to try to actually be happy, instead sneering at the happiness around me like I know better.