It took an hour, maybe a day/ but once I really listened the noise/ just went away
I want to make a movie about someone, a lady, who falls in love with a robot and doesn’t find out that its a robot until later in the movie. And it’s so chilling when she finds out, because this robot is really human-acting and what does it mean? Are we all robots? That kind of thing. It’s a really bad movie. Also, the robot is played by Jude Law and as a director, I am going to pretend to have never seen A.I. and just be astonished over and over again with his ability to portray the droid, and has he done this before? Whoa, great. But still, tone it down. We have to think you’re a human for the first part!
I just went through Colin’s gmail. He left it open on my computer as if to say, “search through this to find out why I don’t want to be with you.” But then I looked through it and realized guys don’t sit around and email each other about their feelings. I looked first through the chat transcripts and they are all, save like four, from chats with me. It was sort of creepy, but for no reason. It implies nothing at all about his intentions or feelings about me that he only chats with me. It only implies that I don’t care at all about my dayjob, which is true. Further, I looked and looked through his emails for any reference to me and found nothing, but I did find an email from a year ago about a script he wrote for a web series he’d written along with a cast list for the parts. Both female roles are played by his two very close friends from Tennessee who also live here. I am convinced that he is in love or has slept with one or both of them, and am filled with a jealousy tantamount to that I feel for the wife of Mark Ruffalo. What a lucky bitch!
But then, I don’t really know Mark Ruffalo, so how would I know if I really liked him? I can search for clues in his interviews, and study his on-screen personae, but the only way to truly know someone is to get to know them. Like, you can think you know someone, and then you go through their gmail and find that actually they are someone who never emails, or they delete all their emails and probably not because they are so filled with torrid details about their life but because they are about new video games and concerts of bands that pretty much everyone agrees are good so who cares.
I don’t understand why Colin doesn’t want to be with me. I thought that eventually, my body or my heart or whatever part of you it is that controls the crazy would catch up to my conscious mind, which understands that I am ridiculously lucky to even be able to hang out with Adam, let alone be in the position to maybe fall in love and be with him. I think every day is going to be the last day in which I fantasize way too often about getting fucked in public by Colin, or hear a saccharine pop song that I shouldn’t even like and have it remind me of the wrong dude. Probably though, the breakthrough moment where I stop wanting to lick his face isn’t going to be when I truly understand the abject inferiority of his face. It’s going to be when I stop caring about the depth of his interest in me, or the utter lack thereof. The moment I see him for who he truly is and realize in my heart of hearts and in my pants that he’s not something I want to make secret blog posts about will be the day that I get bored with the cat and mouse game that it seems like he is playing but might not really be (that’s the essence of cat and mouse, btw). One minute he’s saying we’re just friends, then he’s staring deeply into my eyes and asking me what I’m doing later even though it’s already like 1 am. They say there is much fun and fulfillment that can be gleaned from having someone like you and knowing that at any moment you can dip into that well, but then just leaving it there, placid. I’m just not a person who can avoid jumping headfirst into that well if I like the look of it, and I guess it fascinates me that Colin is. But soon, this enigma will get stale, without ever becoming transparent. Like when everyone was loosing their mind about LOST, and I watched the first season and was like, yeah I get it, but I can also just walk away and I don’t feel like I’m missing out because seriously there is a lot of other culture out there to be absorbed and you don’t have to devote a billion hours of your life to it to appreciate it. Colin really loved LOST.
I downloaded the script, and its a noir-ish story about this guy who solves mysteries or something and it jumps around in time a bunch. It might be kinda good, but I am going to go to sleep right now and when I wake up I might not care anymore. We’ll see.
