It’s one of those shitty dreams where something unfun that could easily happen in real life happens. I’m hanging out with Colin, and we are in my bed for some reason and our faces are close enough together to warrant a sexual leap of faith, which I take, and then we are making out for realsies. I think a thought that I sometimes do think when I’m not dreaming, in the event that something long-pined-after is finally realized: “Well, now it’s happening. Is it living up to my every expectation?”
Then, suddenly, he breaks away, and becomes exasperated with me. “God. What is your problem?” I am enraged! I say, “You kissed me back! You always kiss me back! You say you don’t like me, so walk the walk!” The only rewarding part coming when I follow him around, yelling at him, calling him a coward and my roommate walks by and gives me a look that says, or maybe actually says “Now we’re talking.” I tell him that I don’t think we can work together anymore, and he says “Oh, you’re pulling that card.” And there is nothing I can say because yes, it is a ploy, and I love him even more for recognizing it.
On our second to last date, Colin acted like a surly teen at a family reunion. I asked him things and he gave one word answers or ignored me. He kept singing, to himself, and out of desperation I tried more than once to sing along. I felt all the insecurities and self-hate of being a teenager and also way too old for any of this. When we got back to my house he told me he had a big crush on Elizabeth Moss (who I am prettier than).
Later on, when we broke things off, he told me he’d known he was being a jerk but he just kept on doing it anyway, like a compulsion. This is how he said it: “I knew I was being mean to your feelings, and I’m super sorry.” I fantasize that Colin has likewise started a secrettumblr called meantoyourfeelings.tumblr.com
Anyway, good news, Elizabeth Moss is single! Also, she’s a Scientologist!
